Yesterday… Today… Tomorrow…

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Earlier this week my ex-husband died…

Over the past twenty-three years,  the memories (good, bad or indifferent) had faded… I had moved on… rarely looked back and left the pain and sadness of the loss of my first marriage behind… or so I thought…

I re-married over twenty years ago to my soul mate… my child’s non-biological father… the man who came into our lives and helped us pick up the pieces when we most needed support,  strength and unconditional love.  We blended our families and my dream of having three children came alive.  I always say I have three awesome children and only had to go through the pain of childbirth once but in reality,  as a parent, we go through the pain of childbirth over and over when we watch our children suffer physical or emotional pain as they move through the various stages of their lives.

Today I am going through that pain of childbirth once again… watching my twenty-seven year old son grieve the death of his first dad… the dad he had lost twenty-three years ago and only recently found again this past year.   Watching him grieve the relationship (or lack thereof) of yesterday… the new relationship he had today… and wondering how he will deal with this loss tomorrow.

Today, I am also going through the pain of childbirth in another way… grieving for my husband,  the man who has been my child’s father for 21 of my child’s 27 years.  It is hard to explain to my husband why I am grieving over the death of my ex-husband… hard to explain because I am surprised by the depth of my sadness.

Sadness for my husband of yesterday… sadness that his earthly life was so hard… full of physical and emotional anguish that had left him with only a shell of the person(spirit) he really was within.

I have sadness for my husband of twenty plus years… sadness that he cannot understand the emotions his child and wife are going through right now… sadness that he wants to comfort but is not sure how… sadness that all of his years of fathering this child has been put on the sidelines for a few days as we are going through the initial stages of grief… as we are moving Bill to his final resting place…

I have sadness for my child… sadness that I cannot protect him from this pain…  also knowing that processing through grief is another one of the transitions through our physical life.

As the pain of childbirth gives way to celebration as we hold our newborn… I know our tomorrow(s) will allow us to move through this current pain to a time of celebration…

Celebration of the kind, loving and laughter-filled spirit of my ex-husband that always resided deep within his soul.

Celebration of watching my child move through this transition… surrounded by the love of two fathers.  Celebration of having my child unite with an extended family for the first time in 23 years.

Yesterday,  I was blessed with a first marriage that produced a beautiful child… and a second union that blended three beautiful children… a union that has withstood the storms and has embraced the rainbows.

Today,  I am blessed with memories… memories of smiles and joy… memories that will always stay within my heart.

Tomorrow, I will also be blessed… blessed with the making of new memories… memories that will burn brightly into eternity.

On a closing note,  I ask that you read a WordPress blog post (http://loveandlifeproject.com/2014/01/02/if-i-should-not-wake-up-one-morning-guest-post/) by Leila Arts…the love & life project.  On January 2nd, she posted a guest post by Dusti Rodes (http://dustirodes.tumblr.com/) titled If I should not wake up one morning. As with most things that come into my life,  this one came to me at precisely the right time for me to share with my son.  The first line starts:

If I should not wake up one morning

Remember that I love you.

Thank you to both Leila and Dusti for sharing these beautiful words…

Have you ever been surprised by your emotional reaction to something you thought you had dealt with and left in the past?

5 thoughts on “Yesterday… Today… Tomorrow…

  1. I’m deeply touched by what you written. I really understand your words. I’m divorced and although my ex is still alive there is always an interweaving of pain and sadness.
    Your words on the pain of reliving is childbirth is something I shall always remember,
    I wish you and your family healing and strength..

  2. My ex-husband commuted suicide when my children were 16, 14, 11. We had been divorced 9 yrs. I felt the same confusing rollercoaster of emotions. I was so sad and devastated but no one else could understand that. I couldn’t explain it myself because i was so surprised by my own reaction. And what it had done to my children that was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to watch and go through. I know this is a very difficult time for you and your son but it has helped me more than you know that you shared this. Thank you.

    1. Cheryl,

      I remember hearing about that years ago and so sorry that you had to go through this too but hearing your words of how you felt the same way are very powerful for me – thank you…

      I hope I never have to see my children grieve like this again in my lifetime but the reality is, we all have to go through these life transitions to learn how to cope and how to move forward in our lives.

      Suicide (whether it is immediate or slowly over time like my ex husband) is so hard to wrap our arms around when we have never felt those same thoughts or experienced the same level of depression (true clinic depression). My heart grieves for those who are suffering so much while on this earth…

      Thank you for taking the time to comment – it is through our communications that we can create a community of support for all of us who are in need.

      Bless you and Peace,

      Pat

  3. Reblogged this on Pat Sheveland and commented:

    I have chosen to reblog this post today… one year ago my child and his sister buried their dad… this post is to honor all dads who are no longer on this earth and to send comfort, peace and love to all the children and their families who grieve… especially to my son, his sister Mandy and their Aunt Betty… they are all moving through their grief as it ebbs and flows and it is a beautiful thing to see how a family can rebuild lost relationships.

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